a whole new chapter

Gosh! I still can't believe that my last entry here was on the 27th of April 2007! I repeat 2007!!! That was ages ago! That was the year when I had chopped off my long hair for a concave (which was a choice I regretted tremendously), when I was still a childcare teacher at some lousy childcare, when my world evolved around some guy I was blindly in love with, when I was weak and dependable...

Of course! I read through my previous posts and had a strong urge to delete everything and start from scratch but after much thought i concluded that everyone makes mistakes, and only through them do we learn and grow stronger. We all have embarassing moments and only when we learn to laugh at ourselves can we move on ahead looking at life more positively!

I actually had to reactivate my account as this blog had been totally buried and long forgotten like an old forgotten piece of scrap. But I'm glad I salvaged it and gave it a whole new look, a new lease of life (a new name even!) So much has been going through my mind ever since I got back in touch with my blog.

I'm realizing how much I have changed, how life has changed, how the people around me have changed and how our hearts change. I'll be stopping here for now... but I'll definitely be around!

have you ever?

lyrics that i can relate to:
(not the exact lyrics-changed it a little i think)

have you ever been in love been in love so bad,
you'll do anything to make him understand,
have you ever found the one that'd steal your heart away,
you'll give anything to make him understand,

have you ever needed someone so bad it makes you cry?
have you ever needed someone so bad you cant sleep at night?
have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right?
have you ever?
i have.

life

i'm babysitting dave right now...but as he's sound asleep i stole aside a little time to blog...

the week has been hectic for me...im glad it's over...sort of...
i watched "Because i said so..."and it got me thinking...
i wanna bring my mum go see it! but on second thoughts she might double up on the control treatment...burrr
right now at least she is still tolerable...and i know i'll keep loving her no matter what...
every relationship has it's ups and downs...well after bein through a down i guess it made me know and understand the one i love better, changing my erroneous ways, also learning a lesson called trust and always putting myself in another's shoes first...

though those points i listed sure sound good...i sure hate down moments...esp with someone whom i love dearly...
it was after that day i realised i cant bear to lose him...
i have got to get a grip on myself...
though i love happy endings, nothing lasts forever and it's not always happily ever after for all of us...
nothing is impossible i know, but it's a long road that both sides have to be willing to take...
i am...are u?

emotions

Emotions

Eyes that go teary,

Bodily numbness,

Stuffy nose and a heavy head;

Hands cold and limp,

Lifeless smile,

Weary limbs that ache;

The only thing working,

With a million things rushing through,

Lies under the skull;

No one will understand,

Not one will try,

To comfort the misery inside;

Droplets of tears fall like dew,

A churning sensation burns the heart,

It hurts.

It hurts like no other,

Even a cut can’t subdue,

I’m all at a loss;

Weak and helpless,

Such a fool,

Am I of my emotions?

written by: me on this gloomy night
i'm suffering from stomach cramps as it's that time of the month.

and i feel this ^ way right now...

nights everyone...

feeling down...

it's been awhile since i last blogged...
so much so he asked me why i only blogged so often when he was away in thailand...
seriously i dont really know why...maybe it was the only way i could pent down my true feelings and thoughts...it's strange how my mind works at times...i even tend to get irritated by my own actions...
and yesh i guess im here blogging once again cus i feel really down...i cant talk it out to anyone...no one would understand...it's jus one of those "emotional turmoil" time when i need to be alone to think everything over...

i read meiyan's blog and a para from her feb 24 entry jus striked me and left me thinking...

"Disappointment is what you get when you hear too much sweet nothings, believing it to be true, when it really turns out to be quite the contrary, some time later."

i hate acting all "girl girl" and jus needing someone so much...
is being dependent on someone bad?

why is it that i have been giving my whole heart at work and still get told that my working attitude has deproved...i cant take it! i really cant...only i know how much i am affected by all this but i dont show...i blame myself again and again...it's pure torture...

maybe i should get back to writing poems...keeps me alive...

i realised for the first time, a few weeks back, that i have a food allergy! i cant take oysters...that came to my mind all of a sudden...i always thought i was "allergy proof".

sigh...

times with him have been great...everytime we meet is happYness for me...
i feel so tired sometimes...not physically tired, not mentally tired jus plain tired of eveything...

my parents and i have been really close and im glad about that =)

i give alot of love to my children at work...alot=enough to make 19 children beaming from ear to ear...im serious!
i have been trying to get along with my little sis...it's been working too-with his encouragement...
BUT i need love and affection showered on me too! i jus feel so...
argh! im jus being selfish!

here's what has been going on daily for me right now when im at work...checking my hp again n again to spot a msg from him...waiting for a reply...waiting for the children's naptime to take a break ...waiting for the weekend to come...i cant survive an entire week with jus a weekend of love...but i do anyway...because he is worth all the wait =)

i jus keep waiting...and when the wait is finally over...the short while of happYness jus passes by...
i lack patience...oh lord i need it badly...

i cant wait!

i dont tink i'll be able to sleep tonight...
my heart is thumping away in excitement like "happy feet"...
my sweetie will be back tml morning...i cant wait...
too happy for words...
when the brains far too alert from all the anticipation, sleep is impossible!
this sounds crazy...but im too happy to type!
haha tatas!
p.s. jus collected his v-day present from my besties hse...it looks awesome...
hope he likes it *fingers crossed*

enjoyed myself completely...

i dont know where to start...
hmm my day started with meetin some frens to play pool at monsterque...
followed by meeting meiyan for a Cheer Up outing...
i had a bliss of a time...
we went to catch a movie called "happy birthday", it's really nice, touching, funny (meiyan and i laughed so loudly even when everyone else were pretty quiet, kinda embarassing) and sad at the same time...a must watch! oh and we smuggled in burger king nuggets and cheese sticks to munch on during the movie too...
when the movie ended i was left sighing and feeling depressed inside...
argh guys! are all the same in one way or another...
no matter how good they may seem to be, a flaw is sure to show up...
im not saying they are supposed to be perfect, we girls aint perfect either!
but as my guy fren said during our game of pool today-90% of a guy's brain has been made for sex alone...it's been proven by scientists...
i guess self-control to them is kinda out of the question right?
and staying faithful just seems so difficult...
i get so pissed off jus thinking about this, i having been through with 3 of my frens their heartaches, most of it lies with e guy being unfaithful, a 2 timer etc.
sigh what can i say...i may give the best of advices to cheer them all up, but i myself know that im the weakest of heart...

enough of that...
after e movie, we went to look around for nice gowns from daniel yan, tangs etc.
i tried on quite a few, but non gave me e "FEELING" about them...
it's all about the feeling! haha right not meiyan?
the next time i'll try bridal gown shops... i decided to rent a gown for my guy's commission ball next month...hee at least i wont need to worry about another girl walking in with the same gown as me...
that'd be a nightmare!

oh well all i remember very clearly is that we talked so much today that our throats kept feeling parched...so we stopped and bought drinks quite a couple of times...
we just chattered on and on about everything under the sun...
meiyan is now officially my most "intimate" friend!
i'm glad i forced her out and made her dress up, instead of leaving her to feel all lousy at hm...
i understand fully how she feels, thats why i know how much having company helps speed up the healing inside...