have you ever?

lyrics that i can relate to:
(not the exact lyrics-changed it a little i think)

have you ever been in love been in love so bad,
you'll do anything to make him understand,
have you ever found the one that'd steal your heart away,
you'll give anything to make him understand,

have you ever needed someone so bad it makes you cry?
have you ever needed someone so bad you cant sleep at night?
have you ever tried to find the words but they dont come out right?
have you ever?
i have.

life

i'm babysitting dave right now...but as he's sound asleep i stole aside a little time to blog...

the week has been hectic for me...im glad it's over...sort of...
i watched "Because i said so..."and it got me thinking...
i wanna bring my mum go see it! but on second thoughts she might double up on the control treatment...burrr
right now at least she is still tolerable...and i know i'll keep loving her no matter what...
every relationship has it's ups and downs...well after bein through a down i guess it made me know and understand the one i love better, changing my erroneous ways, also learning a lesson called trust and always putting myself in another's shoes first...

though those points i listed sure sound good...i sure hate down moments...esp with someone whom i love dearly...
it was after that day i realised i cant bear to lose him...
i have got to get a grip on myself...
though i love happy endings, nothing lasts forever and it's not always happily ever after for all of us...
nothing is impossible i know, but it's a long road that both sides have to be willing to take...
i am...are u?

emotions

Emotions

Eyes that go teary,

Bodily numbness,

Stuffy nose and a heavy head;

Hands cold and limp,

Lifeless smile,

Weary limbs that ache;

The only thing working,

With a million things rushing through,

Lies under the skull;

No one will understand,

Not one will try,

To comfort the misery inside;

Droplets of tears fall like dew,

A churning sensation burns the heart,

It hurts.

It hurts like no other,

Even a cut can’t subdue,

I’m all at a loss;

Weak and helpless,

Such a fool,

Am I of my emotions?

written by: me on this gloomy night
i'm suffering from stomach cramps as it's that time of the month.

and i feel this ^ way right now...

nights everyone...

feeling down...

it's been awhile since i last blogged...
so much so he asked me why i only blogged so often when he was away in thailand...
seriously i dont really know why...maybe it was the only way i could pent down my true feelings and thoughts...it's strange how my mind works at times...i even tend to get irritated by my own actions...
and yesh i guess im here blogging once again cus i feel really down...i cant talk it out to anyone...no one would understand...it's jus one of those "emotional turmoil" time when i need to be alone to think everything over...

i read meiyan's blog and a para from her feb 24 entry jus striked me and left me thinking...

"Disappointment is what you get when you hear too much sweet nothings, believing it to be true, when it really turns out to be quite the contrary, some time later."

i hate acting all "girl girl" and jus needing someone so much...
is being dependent on someone bad?

why is it that i have been giving my whole heart at work and still get told that my working attitude has deproved...i cant take it! i really cant...only i know how much i am affected by all this but i dont show...i blame myself again and again...it's pure torture...

maybe i should get back to writing poems...keeps me alive...

i realised for the first time, a few weeks back, that i have a food allergy! i cant take oysters...that came to my mind all of a sudden...i always thought i was "allergy proof".

sigh...

times with him have been great...everytime we meet is happYness for me...
i feel so tired sometimes...not physically tired, not mentally tired jus plain tired of eveything...

my parents and i have been really close and im glad about that =)

i give alot of love to my children at work...alot=enough to make 19 children beaming from ear to ear...im serious!
i have been trying to get along with my little sis...it's been working too-with his encouragement...
BUT i need love and affection showered on me too! i jus feel so...
argh! im jus being selfish!

here's what has been going on daily for me right now when im at work...checking my hp again n again to spot a msg from him...waiting for a reply...waiting for the children's naptime to take a break ...waiting for the weekend to come...i cant survive an entire week with jus a weekend of love...but i do anyway...because he is worth all the wait =)

i jus keep waiting...and when the wait is finally over...the short while of happYness jus passes by...
i lack patience...oh lord i need it badly...

i cant wait!

i dont tink i'll be able to sleep tonight...
my heart is thumping away in excitement like "happy feet"...
my sweetie will be back tml morning...i cant wait...
too happy for words...
when the brains far too alert from all the anticipation, sleep is impossible!
this sounds crazy...but im too happy to type!
haha tatas!
p.s. jus collected his v-day present from my besties hse...it looks awesome...
hope he likes it *fingers crossed*

enjoyed myself completely...

i dont know where to start...
hmm my day started with meetin some frens to play pool at monsterque...
followed by meeting meiyan for a Cheer Up outing...
i had a bliss of a time...
we went to catch a movie called "happy birthday", it's really nice, touching, funny (meiyan and i laughed so loudly even when everyone else were pretty quiet, kinda embarassing) and sad at the same time...a must watch! oh and we smuggled in burger king nuggets and cheese sticks to munch on during the movie too...
when the movie ended i was left sighing and feeling depressed inside...
argh guys! are all the same in one way or another...
no matter how good they may seem to be, a flaw is sure to show up...
im not saying they are supposed to be perfect, we girls aint perfect either!
but as my guy fren said during our game of pool today-90% of a guy's brain has been made for sex alone...it's been proven by scientists...
i guess self-control to them is kinda out of the question right?
and staying faithful just seems so difficult...
i get so pissed off jus thinking about this, i having been through with 3 of my frens their heartaches, most of it lies with e guy being unfaithful, a 2 timer etc.
sigh what can i say...i may give the best of advices to cheer them all up, but i myself know that im the weakest of heart...

enough of that...
after e movie, we went to look around for nice gowns from daniel yan, tangs etc.
i tried on quite a few, but non gave me e "FEELING" about them...
it's all about the feeling! haha right not meiyan?
the next time i'll try bridal gown shops... i decided to rent a gown for my guy's commission ball next month...hee at least i wont need to worry about another girl walking in with the same gown as me...
that'd be a nightmare!

oh well all i remember very clearly is that we talked so much today that our throats kept feeling parched...so we stopped and bought drinks quite a couple of times...
we just chattered on and on about everything under the sun...
meiyan is now officially my most "intimate" friend!
i'm glad i forced her out and made her dress up, instead of leaving her to feel all lousy at hm...
i understand fully how she feels, thats why i know how much having company helps speed up the healing inside...

i cant sleep...

it's 3 whole, full, looong days till i see him...i cant wait...
sigh i have been going through my saved messages, and remembered him telling me how he needed to take 1 to 2 whole days to compose a poem jus for me when i only needed a few minutes to do it...
if only he knew how much i appreciated them...

by him:
"as the earth rotates, the clock ticks, the sun rises and the nitefall, every day, every hour, every minute including every second im always thinking about u..."

"the moon hangs high in the sky , the stars shine bright in e sky, ya love stays with me thru e night, my heart is with you every single night..."

oh well...my day's been great but a little weary...

went over to my best friend's hse for dinner and completed my v-day present for him there...

but spent quite a while comforting her and hearing her talk it out about the strains of her first relationship...

about how when she puts in her everything but does not get appreciated and how he puts his frens before her...how he falls asleep when she is talking to him about her feelings over the phone...how whenever he goes to meet her, it's cus she "forced" him to...him being so strt forward that his words cut through her like a knife...esp when he is angry and apologises later saying he does not mean 99% of what he said...sigh

...been through it all...but i could never really understand it...all i know is that it's made me stronger...
in a way that i am still able to open myself up and fall in love all over again...
something i never dreamt i could do...
for me to love again seemed like something that only happened in movies, novels and fairy tales...

tired eyes, aching spine, stiff neck...

i lack sleep and i need it badly...NOW!
i'll make this a quick one...
i was up till now trying to complete typing out the minutes for a meeting held at my workplace but my brain just cant function anymore...
i'm having so much difficulty forming sentences from the point forms i jotted down...

i'm gonna get a scolding from him when he sees how late i have been sleeping, though he has been constantly reminding me to get an early nights rest...sigh

he cares more about me then i do about myself...

i guess mei yan and I are very much alike in terms of how we feel...she agrees very much with what i had expressed in my last entry...
it's a relief... i was starting to feel i was being too emotional...

but expressing it out has made me better aware of it...though i haven quite found the right solution to it!

i'm gonna get panda eyes really soon...
nights everyone

so confused!?!

my day today started out with the usual work work work...
followed by dave dave dave...
then some 'alone' time...
i was watching "Aladdin" with my little sis gertrude, right after dave's mum came to pick him up...
i was entirely absorbed in the show-find it really fascinating! so dream-like and imaginary... it's been awhile since i last saw it...
well i was totally absorbed by it, and thought of nothing else till it came to the last happily ever after bit...
i tot of him...my immediate reaction then was to go to my room and get a glance at my handphone in case he had msged or called...well he was calling me tat very moment...

it's pretty depressing at times when you expect to see a msg or call from him, but the phone jus has that blank screen shown...if you knw what i mean...

well...the moment i answered his call tears jus formed in my eyes...it's like POOF! they jus appeared and slid down the sides of my cheeks...
he's called quite abit, but this is the first time my eyes-or I reacted in this manner...
i wanted to pour out my true feelings and how i felt at that moment, but all that came out of my mouth were words that were guarded and protected.
i dont know why, the only sentence said to him-that came from deep inside but had me struggling for awhile before it finally came out was: "i want you to come back faster..." but that itself had been checked in my head over and over to make sure...i dont know to make sure of what!
but every single word spoken out of my mouth to him on the phone din want him to know how much i needed him then...
he din even suspect i was tearing, i had managed to sound like i was fine...

i guess when you had your love taken forgranted once, the once when you thought you could pour out everything and empty your weaknesses to who you thought felt the same...

you are afraid that, that same affection you had once showered exceedingly would be used in the same way...it's inexpressible! gosh i'm finding it so hard to find the words...

so you start to think that the best solution to never getting hurt again is to let the someone not get inside your emotions...

it's difficult...sigh i feel like i need to protect all my weaknesses and feelings...it's horrible...esp when you are keeping it away from someone you love...
i'm so confused! i dont understand this much either...

my knees are numb from all the walking...

my whole system is currently freakingly exhausted!
i started work at 7 this morning, and had to clean half the school's mattresses as usual...
followed by keeping away the toys that have been washed and greeting the children at the gate...
i wasn't able to grab a quick bite as i had woke up late...so i kinda sneakily took some of the breakfast that was meant for the chld...
haha it was "only" 4 pieces of cut up roti prata, which equaled to one whole prata!
well we watched hi-5 and barney- e usual programs that i have seen over and over again till i am able to sing all the songs in them...heex
followed by lunch-bee hoon...
hmm...actually i realised quite a few days back that having grown used to the bland taste of childcare food-in which we teachers are served exactly what the chld eat...
food there always has less salt, less sugar and is not supposed to be too tasty...
no wonder whatever food i eat outside is most of the time yummy! to me...
i'm no fussy eater, though i hate carrots to the core i swallow them in front of my chld-and yes! it was to set a good example...but the result they took out all their carrots and threw them in my bowl! oh wells...to love is to make sacrifices for those you love...that was one of my little sacrifices...
after lunch, when strands bee hoon had been scattered all across the floor, it was nap time for e kids!
i ended up falling asleep between melody and sunnie who were hugging my hands-melody on my right & little sunnie on my left...smiles
i slept all the way till 12.55...jus 5 mins before i ended work!
was supposed meet up with hazel at 2 for our shopping spree...but i somehow ended up at her house...and as it always happens, we dilly dally-ed till 4 before we left the house...
we headed for bugis and settled to have a very late lunch at sakae sushi...we even camwhored for abit when hazel's tapioca tempura took a looong time to be served...i ate 22bucks worth of stuff that made me feel awfully stuffed too...
we then walked the whole of bugis to get things she & i wanted...except for bugis street that is!
i bought myself:
-a belt
-5 pieces of lingerie (which caused me a BOMB!)
-a necklace
-errings
-hp cover
yup that's about it...
oh and we took pictures too together at a photo booth meant for taking passport photos!
i cant type any longer...
i need sleep!
nights everyone:)

p.s yes i still miss him terribly...8 more days to go...it's 12.27am now...i cant stop thinking about him...

-a word of advice given by hazel to me today "dont keep your hopes nor expectations too high even for the one you truly love, things may not always be what they seem"-it's been keeping me pondering...

always on my mind...

i ended off my last entry in quite a hurry as i was heading with my parents to ikea (e one at tampines)...it's been awhile since i last went there...
we went there for dinner and i had a salmon dish with potatoes + fried chicken wings... it was alright...nothing fantastic :x
i wasn't really in the mood to walk around...all i could think about was how much i missed him...
well i guess i jus couldn't help recalling about him telling me that he wanted to come to ikea when he got his pay, as he needed some stuff for the house...
oh wells! but i did see a couple of "must buys" that cheered me up...
for example: a full length mirror with rainbow stripes patterned corner-it would match perfectly to my wall colour, a comfy sofa chair-single sitter, comfy cushions and cosy carpets...oh oh oh e list can jus go on...and wats more i din even get to see the entire ikea...we went there way too late and it was 5minutes to closing time when we left...
i'll wait till he is back from thailand the next time i head down there to get my stuff!
yest was a rather tiring and stressful day...
the children were rowdy and i could not bring myself to carry out a proper lesson...
oh geez...
i got involved in a small misunderstading between friends too and it jus made my day way more horrid!
i was walking around school pale faced and had that strained look upon it...
my kind collegue offered to help in controlling the class...but the burden was still there...
i know i'm supposed to relax and just do my part on telling the truth...
but even after clarifying the matter, i just kept worrying about losing the friends i treasure, being the cause of a conflict, getting my loved one and people i din knw into trouble, jus becus i did somethin i never knew wld end up tis way, it seemed most natural of wat had leaked out of me, but i felt like a 38 seriously...i blamed myself over & over again till i tot i could burst...
i'm glad it ended kinda in a happily ever after way...
im always like tat when faced with probs! argh! i just cant take it when a problem lands BOOM! right in my face...my heart starts racing no matter how small a problem may be, and my mind starts filling up with a 100 tots at a time...making me nauseous...
ok maybe im exaggerating...but i have a fear for rejection and problems...ok and not to mention heights as well...im such a weakling!
yest was also the first day i was to bring dave home to have my mum babysit him...
he just hates shower time and clung on to me-like he was clinging for his life, when i showered him...
poor boy, his entire face was tomato red when he was done...
he's still not too familiar with my mum so i have to be around in order for him to feel secure...
but today was different...he's getting more comfortable with mummy dear, and even din cry much when my mum tried bathing him...
we fed him dinner and then i took him to ponggol plaza for a short "wallk around and enjoy the air-con".
he's at home with his mum now and here i am blogging this...
it's been a long day!
jus a quick update on my nursery 2 class:
they have been as naughty as usual, but thats what children are like at their age...and i have been growing closer to them as i had with my previous class...
jus when i was about to end work today, i had them sit in front of me and "lectured" them for about half an hour on why i scolded them and got angry with them etc.
...at the end of it all i told them i loved them and thats way i did what i did...hee
even my collegue could not believe they actually sat down for a whole half an hour listening and just keeping quiet the whole time!
i feel that i have built a closer bond with them and treat them like my own...
hmm as for the playgroup class in which i teach in the mornings, it jus been hectic, 2 new chld came in today and jus could not stop crying... the one i tried comforting, ended up falling asleep on my lap after a looong time...hahas
but this is still the life i enjoy whether you believe it or not...
my job=my passion

i gtg shower now...
tatas...

p.s i just realized that the timings on all my entries are wrong...i'll set it right when i have the time yup :)

Pay day!

wee it's the last day of january...which means it's "PAY DAY!"
gosh, i jus can't tell you how much i have been looking forward to this day-since the past 2 weeks, when i declared myself broke that is...oh oh! and i received my first increment today too!
This month's pay is exceptionally important to me, i have a huge hp bill to pay, chinese new year shoppin to do, and valentine's day is jus about a week away!

hmm...now that i'm done with exclaiming any further stuff...i was jus thinking that i really should blog more frequently then this...once/twice a month is way too "sinful"...dont you think?
and *blush* i can hardly remember the many events that happened, so now i'm looking through my hp's calender for help...

here's a short update on what has been going on in my life so far-since i last blogged:

13th jan-bbq at earlenes, followed by the whole group of us heading to momo to club. (i have to admit that i have no stamina at all-clubbing, the last time i clubbed was on my graduation nite in 2004 at Rave with a few classmates!) luckily sweets was there that night to hold me up to the car when we left for home...those legs of mine seemed like they were about to give way any moment...

24th jan-my daddy dearest + his identical twin's birthday and my second month with my guy...we had a small celebration for my dad and his twin bro - a luxurious seafood dinner...mmmhmm...

sigh...i wanted to blog in an entry yesterday, but i was feeling miserable and moody...
i miss him too much! argh i sound far too whiny...*comfort self* he'll be back in 12 days girl!
absence does make the heart grow fonder i hope...and keeping myself busy helps me get my thoughts away from him...i have a whole schedule planned up for retail therapy with my working collegues/bestfriends, meeting up old/new friends for dinner and clubbing!

hmm...the rest of the days to come seem like they'll be filled with fun!
i'll be whiny no more ok? jus keep smiling, jus keep smiling...

i gtg! dad's waiting for me! tata!
we'r goin to ikea :)

what have i been up to?

nothing much actually has been goin on in my life...
mmm...alright i guess there is enough that is going on to allow me time only once a month to update my blog! hee
everything is going fine right now...my relationship, my job, my family...e only thing that is getting me fustrated most of the time is money$
everything, and i emphasise EVERYTHING! somehow or other links back to that factor...
i have been getting really ill lately and the medical bills are enough to cause a hole in my pocket...
and im not even talking about a wadrobe makeover which im planning to do sometime soon...
well...i spent new yrs eve with my sweetheart n his frens...as well as new yrs day with them again at sentosa...i had loads of fun balanced up with sweet moments too...
the sweetest time i had so far since my last blog update was on the 6th of january, a saturday, whereby he took me to Sunset Way for ice cream!
isnt that romantic? hmm...haha
well we drove up there n had butterscotch & kaluar krunch flavored ice creams in e car-as the shop was brimming with people...
oh well... insane in a way but downright sweet...
work! yes work is driving me nuts...my new batch of nursery 2 children jus drive me up the wall! there is no one time during lunch where a child does not drop his bowl of food on the floor...argh...
they love me, they say they do but argh...i cant find something good to talk about them yet...maybe in my next update yah...
oh well im getting a headache just thinking about it...
so now im thnking about my darling and im smiling again...he jus has that effect on me...oh how im missin him...
recently he has been trying to be romantic which is ultra cute in a tickling sort of way, which of cus makes me laugh...haha oh well...
i gtg
will be back soon i hope...