so confused!?!

my day today started out with the usual work work work...
followed by dave dave dave...
then some 'alone' time...
i was watching "Aladdin" with my little sis gertrude, right after dave's mum came to pick him up...
i was entirely absorbed in the show-find it really fascinating! so dream-like and imaginary... it's been awhile since i last saw it...
well i was totally absorbed by it, and thought of nothing else till it came to the last happily ever after bit...
i tot of him...my immediate reaction then was to go to my room and get a glance at my handphone in case he had msged or called...well he was calling me tat very moment...

it's pretty depressing at times when you expect to see a msg or call from him, but the phone jus has that blank screen shown...if you knw what i mean...

well...the moment i answered his call tears jus formed in my eyes...it's like POOF! they jus appeared and slid down the sides of my cheeks...
he's called quite abit, but this is the first time my eyes-or I reacted in this manner...
i wanted to pour out my true feelings and how i felt at that moment, but all that came out of my mouth were words that were guarded and protected.
i dont know why, the only sentence said to him-that came from deep inside but had me struggling for awhile before it finally came out was: "i want you to come back faster..." but that itself had been checked in my head over and over to make sure...i dont know to make sure of what!
but every single word spoken out of my mouth to him on the phone din want him to know how much i needed him then...
he din even suspect i was tearing, i had managed to sound like i was fine...

i guess when you had your love taken forgranted once, the once when you thought you could pour out everything and empty your weaknesses to who you thought felt the same...

you are afraid that, that same affection you had once showered exceedingly would be used in the same way...it's inexpressible! gosh i'm finding it so hard to find the words...

so you start to think that the best solution to never getting hurt again is to let the someone not get inside your emotions...

it's difficult...sigh i feel like i need to protect all my weaknesses and feelings...it's horrible...esp when you are keeping it away from someone you love...
i'm so confused! i dont understand this much either...