i cant sleep...

it's 3 whole, full, looong days till i see him...i cant wait...
sigh i have been going through my saved messages, and remembered him telling me how he needed to take 1 to 2 whole days to compose a poem jus for me when i only needed a few minutes to do it...
if only he knew how much i appreciated them...

by him:
"as the earth rotates, the clock ticks, the sun rises and the nitefall, every day, every hour, every minute including every second im always thinking about u..."

"the moon hangs high in the sky , the stars shine bright in e sky, ya love stays with me thru e night, my heart is with you every single night..."

oh well...my day's been great but a little weary...

went over to my best friend's hse for dinner and completed my v-day present for him there...

but spent quite a while comforting her and hearing her talk it out about the strains of her first relationship...

about how when she puts in her everything but does not get appreciated and how he puts his frens before her...how he falls asleep when she is talking to him about her feelings over the phone...how whenever he goes to meet her, it's cus she "forced" him to...him being so strt forward that his words cut through her like a knife...esp when he is angry and apologises later saying he does not mean 99% of what he said...sigh

...been through it all...but i could never really understand it...all i know is that it's made me stronger...
in a way that i am still able to open myself up and fall in love all over again...
something i never dreamt i could do...
for me to love again seemed like something that only happened in movies, novels and fairy tales...

tired eyes, aching spine, stiff neck...

i lack sleep and i need it badly...NOW!
i'll make this a quick one...
i was up till now trying to complete typing out the minutes for a meeting held at my workplace but my brain just cant function anymore...
i'm having so much difficulty forming sentences from the point forms i jotted down...

i'm gonna get a scolding from him when he sees how late i have been sleeping, though he has been constantly reminding me to get an early nights rest...sigh

he cares more about me then i do about myself...

i guess mei yan and I are very much alike in terms of how we feel...she agrees very much with what i had expressed in my last entry...
it's a relief... i was starting to feel i was being too emotional...

but expressing it out has made me better aware of it...though i haven quite found the right solution to it!

i'm gonna get panda eyes really soon...
nights everyone

so confused!?!

my day today started out with the usual work work work...
followed by dave dave dave...
then some 'alone' time...
i was watching "Aladdin" with my little sis gertrude, right after dave's mum came to pick him up...
i was entirely absorbed in the show-find it really fascinating! so dream-like and imaginary... it's been awhile since i last saw it...
well i was totally absorbed by it, and thought of nothing else till it came to the last happily ever after bit...
i tot of him...my immediate reaction then was to go to my room and get a glance at my handphone in case he had msged or called...well he was calling me tat very moment...

it's pretty depressing at times when you expect to see a msg or call from him, but the phone jus has that blank screen shown...if you knw what i mean...

well...the moment i answered his call tears jus formed in my eyes...it's like POOF! they jus appeared and slid down the sides of my cheeks...
he's called quite abit, but this is the first time my eyes-or I reacted in this manner...
i wanted to pour out my true feelings and how i felt at that moment, but all that came out of my mouth were words that were guarded and protected.
i dont know why, the only sentence said to him-that came from deep inside but had me struggling for awhile before it finally came out was: "i want you to come back faster..." but that itself had been checked in my head over and over to make sure...i dont know to make sure of what!
but every single word spoken out of my mouth to him on the phone din want him to know how much i needed him then...
he din even suspect i was tearing, i had managed to sound like i was fine...

i guess when you had your love taken forgranted once, the once when you thought you could pour out everything and empty your weaknesses to who you thought felt the same...

you are afraid that, that same affection you had once showered exceedingly would be used in the same way...it's inexpressible! gosh i'm finding it so hard to find the words...

so you start to think that the best solution to never getting hurt again is to let the someone not get inside your emotions...

it's difficult...sigh i feel like i need to protect all my weaknesses and feelings...it's horrible...esp when you are keeping it away from someone you love...
i'm so confused! i dont understand this much either...

my knees are numb from all the walking...

my whole system is currently freakingly exhausted!
i started work at 7 this morning, and had to clean half the school's mattresses as usual...
followed by keeping away the toys that have been washed and greeting the children at the gate...
i wasn't able to grab a quick bite as i had woke up late...so i kinda sneakily took some of the breakfast that was meant for the chld...
haha it was "only" 4 pieces of cut up roti prata, which equaled to one whole prata!
well we watched hi-5 and barney- e usual programs that i have seen over and over again till i am able to sing all the songs in them...heex
followed by lunch-bee hoon...
hmm...actually i realised quite a few days back that having grown used to the bland taste of childcare food-in which we teachers are served exactly what the chld eat...
food there always has less salt, less sugar and is not supposed to be too tasty...
no wonder whatever food i eat outside is most of the time yummy! to me...
i'm no fussy eater, though i hate carrots to the core i swallow them in front of my chld-and yes! it was to set a good example...but the result they took out all their carrots and threw them in my bowl! oh wells...to love is to make sacrifices for those you love...that was one of my little sacrifices...
after lunch, when strands bee hoon had been scattered all across the floor, it was nap time for e kids!
i ended up falling asleep between melody and sunnie who were hugging my hands-melody on my right & little sunnie on my left...smiles
i slept all the way till 12.55...jus 5 mins before i ended work!
was supposed meet up with hazel at 2 for our shopping spree...but i somehow ended up at her house...and as it always happens, we dilly dally-ed till 4 before we left the house...
we headed for bugis and settled to have a very late lunch at sakae sushi...we even camwhored for abit when hazel's tapioca tempura took a looong time to be served...i ate 22bucks worth of stuff that made me feel awfully stuffed too...
we then walked the whole of bugis to get things she & i wanted...except for bugis street that is!
i bought myself:
-a belt
-5 pieces of lingerie (which caused me a BOMB!)
-a necklace
-errings
-hp cover
yup that's about it...
oh and we took pictures too together at a photo booth meant for taking passport photos!
i cant type any longer...
i need sleep!
nights everyone:)

p.s yes i still miss him terribly...8 more days to go...it's 12.27am now...i cant stop thinking about him...

-a word of advice given by hazel to me today "dont keep your hopes nor expectations too high even for the one you truly love, things may not always be what they seem"-it's been keeping me pondering...

always on my mind...

i ended off my last entry in quite a hurry as i was heading with my parents to ikea (e one at tampines)...it's been awhile since i last went there...
we went there for dinner and i had a salmon dish with potatoes + fried chicken wings... it was alright...nothing fantastic :x
i wasn't really in the mood to walk around...all i could think about was how much i missed him...
well i guess i jus couldn't help recalling about him telling me that he wanted to come to ikea when he got his pay, as he needed some stuff for the house...
oh wells! but i did see a couple of "must buys" that cheered me up...
for example: a full length mirror with rainbow stripes patterned corner-it would match perfectly to my wall colour, a comfy sofa chair-single sitter, comfy cushions and cosy carpets...oh oh oh e list can jus go on...and wats more i din even get to see the entire ikea...we went there way too late and it was 5minutes to closing time when we left...
i'll wait till he is back from thailand the next time i head down there to get my stuff!
yest was a rather tiring and stressful day...
the children were rowdy and i could not bring myself to carry out a proper lesson...
oh geez...
i got involved in a small misunderstading between friends too and it jus made my day way more horrid!
i was walking around school pale faced and had that strained look upon it...
my kind collegue offered to help in controlling the class...but the burden was still there...
i know i'm supposed to relax and just do my part on telling the truth...
but even after clarifying the matter, i just kept worrying about losing the friends i treasure, being the cause of a conflict, getting my loved one and people i din knw into trouble, jus becus i did somethin i never knew wld end up tis way, it seemed most natural of wat had leaked out of me, but i felt like a 38 seriously...i blamed myself over & over again till i tot i could burst...
i'm glad it ended kinda in a happily ever after way...
im always like tat when faced with probs! argh! i just cant take it when a problem lands BOOM! right in my face...my heart starts racing no matter how small a problem may be, and my mind starts filling up with a 100 tots at a time...making me nauseous...
ok maybe im exaggerating...but i have a fear for rejection and problems...ok and not to mention heights as well...im such a weakling!
yest was also the first day i was to bring dave home to have my mum babysit him...
he just hates shower time and clung on to me-like he was clinging for his life, when i showered him...
poor boy, his entire face was tomato red when he was done...
he's still not too familiar with my mum so i have to be around in order for him to feel secure...
but today was different...he's getting more comfortable with mummy dear, and even din cry much when my mum tried bathing him...
we fed him dinner and then i took him to ponggol plaza for a short "wallk around and enjoy the air-con".
he's at home with his mum now and here i am blogging this...
it's been a long day!
jus a quick update on my nursery 2 class:
they have been as naughty as usual, but thats what children are like at their age...and i have been growing closer to them as i had with my previous class...
jus when i was about to end work today, i had them sit in front of me and "lectured" them for about half an hour on why i scolded them and got angry with them etc.
...at the end of it all i told them i loved them and thats way i did what i did...hee
even my collegue could not believe they actually sat down for a whole half an hour listening and just keeping quiet the whole time!
i feel that i have built a closer bond with them and treat them like my own...
hmm as for the playgroup class in which i teach in the mornings, it jus been hectic, 2 new chld came in today and jus could not stop crying... the one i tried comforting, ended up falling asleep on my lap after a looong time...hahas
but this is still the life i enjoy whether you believe it or not...
my job=my passion

i gtg shower now...
tatas...

p.s i just realized that the timings on all my entries are wrong...i'll set it right when i have the time yup :)

Pay day!

wee it's the last day of january...which means it's "PAY DAY!"
gosh, i jus can't tell you how much i have been looking forward to this day-since the past 2 weeks, when i declared myself broke that is...oh oh! and i received my first increment today too!
This month's pay is exceptionally important to me, i have a huge hp bill to pay, chinese new year shoppin to do, and valentine's day is jus about a week away!

hmm...now that i'm done with exclaiming any further stuff...i was jus thinking that i really should blog more frequently then this...once/twice a month is way too "sinful"...dont you think?
and *blush* i can hardly remember the many events that happened, so now i'm looking through my hp's calender for help...

here's a short update on what has been going on in my life so far-since i last blogged:

13th jan-bbq at earlenes, followed by the whole group of us heading to momo to club. (i have to admit that i have no stamina at all-clubbing, the last time i clubbed was on my graduation nite in 2004 at Rave with a few classmates!) luckily sweets was there that night to hold me up to the car when we left for home...those legs of mine seemed like they were about to give way any moment...

24th jan-my daddy dearest + his identical twin's birthday and my second month with my guy...we had a small celebration for my dad and his twin bro - a luxurious seafood dinner...mmmhmm...

sigh...i wanted to blog in an entry yesterday, but i was feeling miserable and moody...
i miss him too much! argh i sound far too whiny...*comfort self* he'll be back in 12 days girl!
absence does make the heart grow fonder i hope...and keeping myself busy helps me get my thoughts away from him...i have a whole schedule planned up for retail therapy with my working collegues/bestfriends, meeting up old/new friends for dinner and clubbing!

hmm...the rest of the days to come seem like they'll be filled with fun!
i'll be whiny no more ok? jus keep smiling, jus keep smiling...

i gtg! dad's waiting for me! tata!
we'r goin to ikea :)

what have i been up to?

nothing much actually has been goin on in my life...
mmm...alright i guess there is enough that is going on to allow me time only once a month to update my blog! hee
everything is going fine right now...my relationship, my job, my family...e only thing that is getting me fustrated most of the time is money$
everything, and i emphasise EVERYTHING! somehow or other links back to that factor...
i have been getting really ill lately and the medical bills are enough to cause a hole in my pocket...
and im not even talking about a wadrobe makeover which im planning to do sometime soon...
well...i spent new yrs eve with my sweetheart n his frens...as well as new yrs day with them again at sentosa...i had loads of fun balanced up with sweet moments too...
the sweetest time i had so far since my last blog update was on the 6th of january, a saturday, whereby he took me to Sunset Way for ice cream!
isnt that romantic? hmm...haha
well we drove up there n had butterscotch & kaluar krunch flavored ice creams in e car-as the shop was brimming with people...
oh well... insane in a way but downright sweet...
work! yes work is driving me nuts...my new batch of nursery 2 children jus drive me up the wall! there is no one time during lunch where a child does not drop his bowl of food on the floor...argh...
they love me, they say they do but argh...i cant find something good to talk about them yet...maybe in my next update yah...
oh well im getting a headache just thinking about it...
so now im thnking about my darling and im smiling again...he jus has that effect on me...oh how im missin him...
recently he has been trying to be romantic which is ultra cute in a tickling sort of way, which of cus makes me laugh...haha oh well...
i gtg
will be back soon i hope...

merry christmas everyone!!!

it's been awhile since i wrote somethin down here...
hmm where can i start...it's now coming close to 7 in the morning and i have not caught a wink of sleep yet...oh well i will, right after i pin some of my life's happenings down...
i jus got back from midnight mass & a movie...im in such such such a jolly christmas mood, that i'm practically glowing and feeling radient...haha
wat i want for christmas? hmm...coming to think about it...i have got everthing i want...and i mean everything! i have got him! yest on the 24th of dec was our 1 month ani... it's amazing how someone special can keep u smiling, laughing and smirking the entire day...
another great news!!! i have got back together with my used-to-be best fren since pri 1...so we are back to being best frens again...n the feeling is so great...it's partly thanks to him who made me thinking abt how impt friendship is...
i met up with her and we talked things out, expressed our feeling, exchanged praises and catching up on so much we have missed in each others lives...we even exchanged birthday presents as we are e late nov dec babies...hee
we'll be meeting up real soon to shop n exchange christmas prensents and im really looking forward to it...we are back to being best buddies!!!
(memories shared with old frens=priceless)-clare's equation
hics:D
alrty i gtg
tata gooood morning!

finished my diploma finally!

hmm...now that im "free-er", i guess i would be able to find more time to update my blog right?
reason being: i just ended my diploma course in preschool education-teaching...weee
my graduation would be held somewhere in january next year if im not wrong...
so here is the latest on what as been going on in my life so far...well...
so far... i have made up my mind to take the (BECh) Bachelor of early childhood in RTRC which will be commencing in June next year...
which means i have a few months to relax and lay back before i start having a frantic schedule with work n school again...and to be able to focus completely on my work for now...
i'd have to admit, my class children have been slightly neglected since i started getting the piling assignments from school! oh well, i have decided to make it up to them by buying the balloons they wanted so badly...hee
oh and yah i met someone who is really nice and sweet to me...
and still is...
end of details on that...it's private!

wish me luck in my degree yah...though still a few months away...
but i'd still need all the luck i can get, cause not only will i be the youngest but also the least experinced one there...
smiles...

A poem written on my 18th bday...

i wish i may i wish i might, get the wish i wish tonight...

one of my wishes,
on my 18th birthday,
was to find for that someone;
who'd make my heart jump!

he'd be that someone,
who'd still love me,
even when i looked all ugly,
or acted horribly.

and'd still love me,
when i'm totally moody,
zonked out sleepy,
or piggishly drooly.

not only loving me,
when i looked pretty,
sounded sexy,
or acted naughty.

loving me for who i am,
not for how i looked,
or just a mere something,
to satisfy his ulterior motive...

the end

okok i'm writng rubbish...dont read any of it...
hee...im soo tired...
gtg...nity...weeeezz

time to Party!

Weee...i have completed all my Course assignments and exams!
dont i just love this feeling of sheer relief...
hmm... i was really tired last night as i struggled to finish the rest of my assignments the moment i reached home from work...i slept at 1 and woke up at 6.30 this morning...
sigh...as usual i was yawning my way through work...
today though sleepy, it was great, the nursery one children under me for the concert dance item improved tremondously since the last time i had practived with them...
all thanks to having to teach them 2 by 2...i had to dance nearly 10 times in a day...
the song they are dancing to is stuck in my head..."hot Stuff" by donna summers...70's hits
talking about gym...i really feel like i have signed up for a regular work out programme since concert practices started...
i cant wait for the concert...its on the 28th of this month...weee
haha ok ok im just really hyper due to this uplifting of the big burden that has been on me during the entire diploma course...
Today they had a new dish on the lunch menu at work...the children seemed to love it, and gobbled everything up...
oh yah, and i was given 2 assignments by my modaling agency today...
i accepted one but had to reject the other due to working commitments...
oh well...im going down for the audition tml...On My Birthday!
haha its just a few more hours to it and im counting down...
i gtg prepeare to go for my course now...
will be home really late...im not too sure where my friends have planned to go partying at tonight...
hee
tataz...
i cant stop *smiling*

banana cake anyone?

i was soooo touched by what an uncle from my church did for me...
he actually had his maid make a banana cake as an advance birthday celebration for me...
it was soooo good, that at the first mouthful, i was just letting every morsel of it melt in my mouth slowly...mMmM...
and as everyone sang happy birthday to me...i was just sitting there giving a spastic grin...oh well, i din knw whether to sing along or cry or smile...haha so i played dumb...really dumb
lunch at his house was great too...there was tofu, duck, beef curry, veggies with rice, not forgetting 3 diff types of fruits,
of which one of them was honey pineapple...sadly i cut my lip on it...slight bleeeding n all
after lunch my cousines and i headed to my uncle's place to peek at the baby girl again,
my my my she is just gorgeous...i can just sit there n look at her for the rest of the day...
sigh...how will my future daughter look? i wonder...
okok before i start day dreaming again... i want to thank everyone who has sent me birthday wishes in advance and presents...
every small thing done for me is always big in my eyes...
smiles...
nighties:D

Pain!

i have been feeling so sick since today morning the moment i got up,
argh!!! had to go to work at 7am this morning, which included wiping of the children's mattresses at the childcare, i got so dizzy a K2 boy offered to help me complete wiping the rest...i was so touched, ain't he sweet...
my head felt so heavy and i kept having an urge to vomit...
stomach flu i guess as i din have much appetite for food, which i always do...
what's more, it was that time of the month,
what could be worse!
(bad headache) *rubbing my temples*
my aunt gave birth to her baby -bernardette yest night!
she is so adorable, fair and has dimples on both sides of her cheek!
i'm in pain again! argh...ok i know labor pains are much worse then cramps but i have a feeling i can die from this...
gotto go find painkillers...
tata

...he completes me...oh well i had second thoughts...

i have been asked by numerous friends to update my block, so here it is...
Oh yah...remember i mentioned in my previous post that a guy made me feel complete...oh well he did but only for 2 weeks, after that i was feeling miserable and EMPTY! i dont know what the hell was wrong with me, but after thinking, now i know, i'm too single-minded...is that a bad thing?
i just feel that a relationship ties me down and i'm stuck in a life long routine...
ok maybe i'm exaggerating, but to me, if i were to ever go into another relationship, i'd have to be completely, totally, madly, crazily in love with that person, if not i'd not be happy.
talking about infactuation, now i know whats it all about...my defination of it-infactuation: liking that person alot for that moment in time, then its OVER! seriously, infactuation can never hold a couple together for long.
i find it really wasteful and meaningless to be with someone i do not love or have feelings for, and yet again i hate to hurt the feelings of the person...i'm always caught in the middle of this whole relationship thing over and over again...
And i am trying not to ever be in a situation like tat again...
ok! enough of the depressing stuff...
other then all that, life has been Great! i knew singlehood was the best...and then again except when you need to be loved once in awhile...
but thats not a problem to me, thats just the reason y i look forward to my job everyday, imagine, 19 children showering you with love...wet kisses and hugs...
these 4 yr olds just adore you like you mean the world to them, imagine...innocent, sincere and lovable...
Last Wednesday was my mum's birthday, i bought her a rich choc, kit-kat based cake...yum
and on Sat i went on a big time shopping spree in bugis and Orchard...
my tiny toes are still aching...
oh well i better end this off...i still have assignments to complete...
they are due end of this week, then im FREE!
alright then,
before i start yakking on...
a small secret to share...
my birthday is next wed...hee i cant wait!
tata...muackx

it's been so long...

it's been so long...since i wrote something down here...life has been great...really great...geez...why don't i sound more enthu about this? oh well i guess it's the work load that has been placed upon me...argh! someone save me...i have 4 assignments to complete by next thursday...
hmm...but coming to think abt it...other then that my life is going unpredictably well...
and i'm using the term "unforseen circumstances" way too often...
be it to cover up a wrong doing or for my benefit ...

well lets see what i have been doing for the past few weeks...
ah yes! i met up with amelia, her bf and fabian to play pool...gosh was it fun...
i kept laughing so hard i could not aim straight at all...
tears jus kept rolling down my cheeks...
amelia and me kissed in front of the whole of monsterque...jus to pose for the cam...
a totally crazy day!

Other then that it has been work, my nite courses, n meeting dex...
i guess he completes me!
argh! i sound wierd but i guess i'm jus really happy whenever i'm with him...
smiles...
i gotto get on with my assignments!
tata

how i wish everyday could be like this...

pic displayed: me on the left (big hoop errings) n bestie!
i had loads of fun yesterday, went to yacht club with my best fren for a swim, everything was great except for the weather, could not see a single speck of the sun in the sky. how much i had longed for some sunshine, but all i could see were clouds and more clouds. but nonetheless, the view was beautiful, yachts parking, ships sailing afar, tugboats and my best friend and me soaking away in the clear blue swimming pool. gentle breezes and coconut trees, ahh! totally relaxing. after a short swim, we headed for the steam bath, hmm no wonder i slept so well last nite... hee... oh oh and the food was superb! i had fish and chips, satay, drank a coconut, watermelon juice and vanilla ice cream...mMmM...i was practically busting after all that...haha
Later in the nite we headed for Marina Square and chilled at Mac cafe...
but not after entering into nearly 20 shops!
My legs were killing me!
i better get some rest now, got up way early to attend church service.
tata:D

a summerised poem of my life

The longing to let out the real me within is driving me crazy,

A whirlpool spinning endlessly, somewhere I can’t reach out to

The only refuge is e use of words that flow at a capillary pace

I’m stuck in this clot of self, and he destined does not reach out for me

Crying is at this point will only bring the esteem within a whole notch lower

Strength returns, like an angel of miracle overshadowing

Her wings fluttering faintly in the distance

Becomes a sweet melodious tune that lullabies me to rest

I awake stronger, ready to face the strongest tide,

To fight the ugliest of beasts,

But yet a timid self within pulls back the chains of insanity

“The line cannot be crossed…” a voiced whispered in my ears,

So here, I today just want to be myself once more,

Not wanting to be left concealed into the past,

Nor to be led into senseless involvement in the lives

Of people that add misery to my interior self,

Though the misery no longer manifests its existence

The fear of it retuning quirks me back to the past

Where the big sign hangs and lingers-“rejection”

That is my greatest weakness till today,

Being genuine about it is just how I really want things to be,

Honest and true, to you…

"Peace" at work-poem written while my angels rest (naptime)

-my life as a childcare teacher-
whispers of a child,
shuffling of feets,
contact of the skin,
against the matteress surface,
brings peace.

the fan turns above,
it's whooshing echos,
lightly it lifts strands of my hair,
against my cheeks,
it's caressing brings peace.

with legs outstretched,
tension scattered away,
i lift my head,
eyes directed at the celing,
this state of mind-utter peace.